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The Struggle

“How do you stay connected with your partner when you're both busy?” is probably something you keep wondering.

You both work demanding jobs and not only that, you both are high-achieving persons which, together, might result in a workaholic household.

I know that struggle because it is one I’ve been dealing with myself.

Fernando and I have been together for 13 years now. We are both high-achieving persons who run 2 businesses together from home, which makes it even harder to turn off the “work mode”.

For many many many years we prioritized our businesses, worked long hours, stressed about every little thing and spent every waking hour focused on work — including the time we said would be for dates.

With time, this took a toll in our relationship. We lost the spark, where always irritated by each other, romance was gone and we felt like we were work buddies than an actual couple. Routine was so ingrained in our household that it was a hell of a nightmare to break it.

But we did! And today we are way more responsible when it comes to separating work from personal life and in having actual quality time. I’m here to share how we managed that.

The Solution

This will sound very obvious and simple but most of the times those are the things that makes the difference but we tend to overlook. So:

You need to sit down and talk, honestly and vulnerably.

Both of you have different needs, hopes and expectations. The issue lies when you are so busy that you don’t even have the time or mental availability to sit down and openly talk about all of that. And this might sound very cliché, but you will never have that time if you do not create it.

Let’s just be honest: there will always be something going on, demanding your attention and pulling you into hustling mode so it is up to you to say “no” and stop for a moment because it is for waiting for that to magically happen that you ended up growing apart from each other.

Now, it is also important to remind that this is both a team effort and an individual effort. In order for your relationship to change you’ll also need to change individually. This might look like:

Each of you committing to not bring work home
Have clear schedules that incorporate quality time for both you as individuals and together
Saying no to old habits like last minute tasks or work calls after work hours
Changing routines so you can change your workaholic habits and create opportunities to spend quality time together in your day-to-day lives

Now let’s see some practical things you can try that might facilitate this change to happen more seamlessly.

Practical Ideas

Get out of the routine, frequently

And by “frequently” I mean whatever works for you, realistically, but at least once a week. I say this because if you commit to do it just once a month chances are time will pass and when you notice it’s been 4 months since you did it last time!

“But how can I get out of the routine, Patricia?”

I’m so glad you asked because I’m full of ideas! Let’s go!

1. Do an activity together

Book an intentional and romantic experience designed specifically to help you reconnect [Link]
Creative workshops: painting, pottery, botanical dyeing, cooking
Play some traditional games: card games, puzzles, monopoly — whatever you feel like trying. There are also card games for couples designed to help you reconnect. [Link]
Watch a movie together, mindfully. Turn off your phones, make some popcorn and snuggle in the sofa
Cook together

2. Create new house rules

Incorporate a “no phones allowed” rule in specific occasions: this can be a specific day your phones are in airplane mode or perhaps phones are not allowed during meal times or even in the bedroom — our phones are ruining our lives and relationships. Having such a boundary will be beneficial for both your relationship together as individually
Set specific times for meals so you can have it together. This can be breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack or dinner. Whatever works best for you. Just try to have at least one meal together everyday
Separate time to brainstorm some date ideas and match your schedules. In my house we do this during Wednesday lunch to optimise our time. This way we take advantage of the fact we are already out of work to eat and be proactive regarding our relationship. It acts as a mid-week check-in that signals we are still both onboard and committed to make this work

3. Go on dates

Go for a walk in the park
Book an hotel for the night — even if in the same city you live in
Grocery shop together and bring home something spicy (food or not ;)). Make it a sexy game as if both of you had to choose something kinky
Visit a museum
Try that new restaurant that recently opened in town
Try a physical activity together: mini-golf, skydiving, surf, tenis — whatever makes sense for you
Go to the theatre

4. Talk!

Ask questions that go beyond the “how was your day?” — go deep. Ask the difficult questions, the vulnerable ones. Here are some ideas:
» Is there something you’ve been wanting to tell me lately but didn’t because you feared how I’d react?
» What’s something you’ve learned about yourself recently?
» What is your biggest hope when it comes to our relationship?
» Are there any habits we have you think we would benefit from changing?
Talk, a lot. Express your feelings (good and not so good), share your thoughts, your fears, you hopes, your expectations and disappointments. Just share whatever you are saving inside you. I know it can be very hard sometimes, but it will bring you closer in the end.

These small (but sometimes complicated) steps helped us tremendously. Sometimes we still get ourselves immersed in work but now those are just temporary phases, not our permanent modus operandis which is exactly the point of this article.

Hopefully this article will help you reconnect as well. The love is still there, it just needs a little bit of fresh air to bloom even stronger than before. You’ve got this!

With love,

Patricia, your romantic high-intentional experiences designer and photographer